Advice to Pregnant mums - get used to nakedness in front of strangers!

So, whilst T&W and friends were watching their little sons play football, the conversation turned to pelvic floors; Whinger misheard and said she was having one fitted in her bathroom and hoped it wouldn't be too slippery. Then Ruderag, always one to boast, said that she was strengthening her pelvic floor muscles right there and then. Admittedly,she did have a strained look on her face. But then, T&W was stuck with unfortunate image of Ruderag's pelvic floor and went right off her Moccachino!

Pregnancy, giving birth etc always a shock to new mums. T&W thinks hospital should tell it straight "Yes Ms X, we suggest you strip naked in front of a load of strangers, get used to it for a bit. Maybe lie on a table in the canteen and stick your legs in the air?"

There are even more people present for caesarians, a whole audience!

Hello and welcome to my Big Fat Caesarian! (Loud Applause and whistles) Introducing - Chris the anaesthetist, Gary his assistant, Mr Kennedy the Obstetrician (loud cheers), some guy called Mike on his lunchbreak, Dom with the doughnuts (yeyyy), Sarah the midwife, Carol the student nurse, Luke on the government Back to Work initiative (more cheers), Andy on school work experience - come on Andy give us a smile for your facebook pic - don't look so nervous, Pete the male nurse who sings the numbers from Glee, some guy from Pediatrics that Pete fancies (yeyyyy), some bloke who's come to fix the photocopier (loud applause), oh and the the mum to be, better make room for her (Zumba style whoops). And the baby's father, where's he? Couldn't get a ticket? Shame.

Comic fundraiser fiasco

We never should have believed Bouncer when she said she could do stand-up. You don't just "do" stand-up, it needs precise comic timing and a taut/honed script; but what she put us through was 30 minutes of verbal pain, like being forced to listen to the sound of a dentist's drill. Although that would have been funnier. Pretensia, knocking back the Barcardi Breezers, laughed hysterically at every joke and then in her defence, said it was only because she'd eaten a Knobbly Bobbly and the little hundreds and thousands had gone up her nose. Ex-porn star, Nude Trude said she could do stand-up at which point, headmistress Virginia screwed up her nose and whispered "Please remember this is Little Ditchling, not West Croydon!". The way she said "West Croydon" made T&W want to move there immediately - it sounded like somewhere out of a movie, with mean streets, smoky bars, guys called Mo and sassy blond women called Telulah. And yes, it would probably be somewhere where the likes of Nude Trude would be doing stand-up.

Gifted could sometimes make people laugh but usually, to get the joke, you had to have a double first from Cambridge and understand quantum physics. T&W knew her limits; stand-up was not an option, more like sitting or lying down.

The fund-raiser drew to a lurching close with Virginia doing her annual Russian dance in a giant rabbit costume. It ended with her trying to leapfrog over Rude-rag, Whinger and Clotheshorse, then tumbling into an awkward pile with her legs in the air. Was it the light or did Rude-rag actually smile? Hard to say although Whinger said she'd had more fun that night in hospital, when she was on a drip having her stomach pumped.

No wonder Virginia goes on and on about not posting pics on facebook!

Reports - Must Try Harder!

Pretensia remarked today, without a hint of a smile, that her son's a border-line genius. T&W a bit doubtful as he's always getting sent to Virginia, the headmistress; the last time for biting her ankles. T&W feels sorry for him as headmistress Virginia suffers from water retention; biting her ankles would be like chewing on giant cheesy marshmallows!

School reports were out this week; T&W skim-read them, discovered children were happy people with lots of friends and felt overwhelming joy they weren't psychopathic nutters! T&W pleased! Suddenly, T&W has morphed into perfect mother, like Princess Perfect Pants. So decided to lie on settee with glass of wine and eat crisps as reward. Then remembered maternal responsibilities - must read rest of report! Children can apparently walk, run, skip, cut with scissors and poke people in the eye. We send them to school to learn stuff like this?

T&W wondering when boffin gene (obviously on mother's side) will kick in; imagines children may be requested to be hothoused with Bill Gates as possible successors in Microsoft! Make mental note to learn about American culture particularly Mcdonalds and stealth bombers.

What would happen if mums had to have reports on their performance? MMmmm. "T&W could do well if she would stop laughing on phone with friends about manboobs and spend more time folding pants and putting them away in drawers. This could take her from a C+ to the dizzy heights of a B minus!".

Primary School Pyjama Party Gatecrashed!

Once again, a highlight of the prestigious PTA calendar had arrived; The Pyjama Party! The idea was that the children, wearing their pyjamas, would come back to the school in the evening for a mock bedtime, involving sleeping bags, bedtime stories, teddy bears and hot chocolate. All well and good but parents had recently been getting into the spirit too. T&W couldn't help feeling uncomfortable seeing Mr Fit prancing around in his Calvin Klein pyjamas that left little to the imagination. Unsurprisingly, Nude Trude's black negligee led to a few gasps followed by surpressed giggles when Virginia, the headmistress arrived wearing a Wee Willie Winkie nightcap and no hint of a smile! A few of the teachers were wearing the usual stripey pyjamas and bunny slippers getup; overall prize had to go to Mrs Cleghorn, the music teacher for her Babydoll nighty and 5 inch-heeled slip-ons with pink pom-poms. With legs like tree trunks, a thigh high mini-dress was a brave choice for someone estranged to fashion! Pretensia arrived late wearing a Prada dressing gown in fuchsia. She looked furtive, whispering suggestively to Mr Fit, throwing her hair back flirtatiously and laughing wildly at every merest hint of a joke. "I can't take this off" she purred, "I'm naked". Mr Fit lost control of his hands and spilt his hot chocolate down his Calvin Kleins. Quick as a flash, Nude Trude was the first to offer first aid and was down on her knees before Mr Fit could shout "help!". Pretensia left seething and was spotted later in the carpark, slumped over the steering wheel stuffing her face with marshmallows.

Passing on Career Advice!

Pretensia does a job that involves arranging flowers in the lobbies of office blocks; it suits her with lots of faffing around and little to show for it. Clotheshorse of course is a womenswear buyer of exquisite taste; she once nearly killed a mum in the playground who dared to ask where her umbrella was from! Clotheshorse's umbrella and the Da Vinci code have a lot in common! One wrong question and you end up lying in a gutter with an umbrella tip in the neck. Princess Perfect Pants, an ex-headgirl/cheerleader is able to make you feel like a snivelling, inadequate wreck of a mother by merely a glance and so she is perfectly suited to her job as a health visitor.

T&W went through lots of trials and tribulations to get to her current job. Recently, whilst discussing with friend a TV programme involving actors dressing up as sperm then running along corridors, jumping over hedges and diving into alleyways (to simulate conception or just for fun?), T&W declared herself an Expert on Sperm (cue drumroll)! Not something to be proud of surely? You wouldn't want sperm on your passport, not in writing and not literally either. The reason for this declaration, was that when T&W was 18, she had a temp job in a pathology lab at a hospital. The job was to keep a straight face and tell men when they brought in their sperm samples (for testing) that they had to do it again because it wasn't in a sterile container! How mean was that?! Sometimes, the men would go red and shout "well you better bleep bleep come in with me to that bleep bleep room and do it for me you bleep bleep!". Then, T&W would have to call Security as felt not qualified for job, also on minimum wage and temp agency had def given impression of grocery samples and not bodily fluids!

T&W then had some jobs with male chauvinist pig bosses! One (a Brigadier at Kuwait embassy) would press a buzzer and shout "T&W come!" like T&W some kind of dog! Yes, T&W even interrogated about whether had Iraqi boyfriend but using torture technique of tea & cake not waterboarding. Still tough! T&W broke at the coffee & walnut gateau - " I'll tell you anything you want to hear, just give me the goddamn cake!". One boss told T&W not to worry her little head about things she didn't understand. T&W eventually shouted expletives at boss and walked out to standing ovation. Very impressive for 5 minutes! Then T&W realised had no job and no money!

So career advice to children will be this: there are jobs that careers advisors at schools don't tell you about like sperm experts and odour assessors (who smell cheesy trainers to assess trainer's effectiveness). Choose carefully! But remember, during your 20's you have to do some crap jobs and put up with difficult people. Then one day, you wake up, you're 30 and you're the Managing Director of Marks and Spencers. Yes, it really is that simple!