Advice to Pregnant mums - get used to nakedness in front of strangers!

So, whilst T&W and friends were watching their little sons play football, the conversation turned to pelvic floors; Whinger misheard and said she was having one fitted in her bathroom and hoped it wouldn't be too slippery. Then Ruderag, always one to boast, said that she was strengthening her pelvic floor muscles right there and then. Admittedly,she did have a strained look on her face. But then, T&W was stuck with unfortunate image of Ruderag's pelvic floor and went right off her Moccachino!

Pregnancy, giving birth etc always a shock to new mums. T&W thinks hospital should tell it straight "Yes Ms X, we suggest you strip naked in front of a load of strangers, get used to it for a bit. Maybe lie on a table in the canteen and stick your legs in the air?"

There are even more people present for caesarians, a whole audience!

Hello and welcome to my Big Fat Caesarian! (Loud Applause and whistles) Introducing - Chris the anaesthetist, Gary his assistant, Mr Kennedy the Obstetrician (loud cheers), some guy called Mike on his lunchbreak, Dom with the doughnuts (yeyyy), Sarah the midwife, Carol the student nurse, Luke on the government Back to Work initiative (more cheers), Andy on school work experience - come on Andy give us a smile for your facebook pic - don't look so nervous, Pete the male nurse who sings the numbers from Glee, some guy from Pediatrics that Pete fancies (yeyyyy), some bloke who's come to fix the photocopier (loud applause), oh and the the mum to be, better make room for her (Zumba style whoops). And the baby's father, where's he? Couldn't get a ticket? Shame.

Comic fundraiser fiasco

We never should have believed Bouncer when she said she could do stand-up. You don't just "do" stand-up, it needs precise comic timing and a taut/honed script; but what she put us through was 30 minutes of verbal pain, like being forced to listen to the sound of a dentist's drill. Although that would have been funnier. Pretensia, knocking back the Barcardi Breezers, laughed hysterically at every joke and then in her defence, said it was only because she'd eaten a Knobbly Bobbly and the little hundreds and thousands had gone up her nose. Ex-porn star, Nude Trude said she could do stand-up at which point, headmistress Virginia screwed up her nose and whispered "Please remember this is Little Ditchling, not West Croydon!". The way she said "West Croydon" made T&W want to move there immediately - it sounded like somewhere out of a movie, with mean streets, smoky bars, guys called Mo and sassy blond women called Telulah. And yes, it would probably be somewhere where the likes of Nude Trude would be doing stand-up.

Gifted could sometimes make people laugh but usually, to get the joke, you had to have a double first from Cambridge and understand quantum physics. T&W knew her limits; stand-up was not an option, more like sitting or lying down.

The fund-raiser drew to a lurching close with Virginia doing her annual Russian dance in a giant rabbit costume. It ended with her trying to leapfrog over Rude-rag, Whinger and Clotheshorse, then tumbling into an awkward pile with her legs in the air. Was it the light or did Rude-rag actually smile? Hard to say although Whinger said she'd had more fun that night in hospital, when she was on a drip having her stomach pumped.

No wonder Virginia goes on and on about not posting pics on facebook!