Badges for sleeves!

When my daughter went to Brownies, she wasn't that bothered about badges.   Between us, we scraped through the Hostess badge and noone got food poisoning - yey, result!  But I'm sensing a different atmosphere to  ..... dare I say it, the "Cub & Scout" movement .... {drum roll}.     What is this thing about Beavers, Cubs, Squirrels etc?   Can't we have proper names like "Marco Polo" club, "Neil Armstrong" club, "The Space Invaders",  "World Determinators"?  But no, we have to have "Beavers" with the staff called the names of birds  - Wren, Woodcock, Cuckoo, Chaffinch.  If I ever worked at Beavers, I'd at least call myself an exciting name, like Australasian Babbler, Penduline Tit, Welcome Swallow, Clapper Lark, Bananaquit or Pale Breasted Illadopsis.   Perhaps we need to be grateful it's bird's names.  A friend has a son who goes to Cubs where all the staff are named after animals.  Imagine getting a phonecall from a man called  "Rabbit" (and that's without taking hallucenogenic drugs!)    Wonder if Rabbit works at the Treasury.  Let's hope he doesn't forget sometimes, and pick up the phone to say "Hello, Rabbit speaking ... oh, I mean George Osborne".

So, the other day, I was a little put out to discover that some of the boys had an array of badges up and down their arms that might as well have spellt out  "yey, I've got a brilliant mum, it's a shame you haven't".    Feeling a little rubbish, I began to think about badges that my son could get but was disappointed to see there was no eating badge, no sleeping badge and no annoying your sister badge.   Damn it, this was going to be a challenge.   He'd already got his friendship badge at the Beavers sessions;  me to son "what did you have to do to get the friendship badge?".  Son to me "er, you just sort of turn up."  

I spotted an Explorer badge where you can talk about anything you've explored anywhere.   Mmm, I thought, maybe he could explore the corner of our bedroom ... the bit with the cobwebs and an old trainer.     We're still working on it but expect exciting shots of dark, spooky corner and insect habitats.   Surely there must also be an Entertainer badge where he can do some finger shadow puppets and that thing where you put a quarter of an orange in your mouth and make it look like a big smile? :)

Dinner/Dance at Pump & Grind Hall

What a success for Little Ditchling JMI School PTA! The Dinner/Dance at Big Bert's Pump & Grind Gym hall was a great success with a staggering £67 raised! Pretensia had good reason to be swanning about in her leopard skin dress purring with pride although it had won her few friends. The furore over the £50 ticket price had knocked her for six and she'd been seen staggering around in her 4 inch Manolo Blahniks long before tea-time so it couldn't have been the gin. Rude-rag and Whinger hadn't been impressed with the fully inclusive McDonalds happy meal and Mr FrizzyWizzy Authentic Party Hat but all in all it was a good night.

Clotheshorse naturally had prepared for days with body waxing, eyebrow plucking, a fake tan and a new hairdo; she'd gone for a messy bob and fringe, eventually looking like a wrecked Britney Spears. Her designer outfit had given Pretensia a run for her money; a sleek black halter-neck dress with zircons hand-sewn around the breasts to highlight them, just in case the copious amounts of cleavage wasn't enough! Pretensia looked glamorous in an emerald sequin floor-length dress suitable for the set of Strictly Come Dancing; she looked very put out when Nude Trude arrived in a silver-sparkled dress that omitted to go past her silver spangly knickers. Ryan's dad, Mr Fit didn't know where to look and then settled on staring open-mouthed at Trude's thighs. As did most of the dads, except for Gary Lomund who was staring at Mr Fit.

The DJ got into the spirit, jumping onto the table to dance to Fat Boy Slim's Praise you! until his foot went in the rum punch and Ryan's dad said that was gross as he might have stepped in dog's poo and everyone should stick to beer. All the dads listened to Ryan's dad, he was their meerkat leader. If Mr Fit looked at Nude Trude's thighs, they all did, not that she minded. As she said, she's an ex-porn star so she's used to men looking at her - except usually it's in their own home with a box of tissues!

Virginia, the headmistress pranced around like a teenager who's had her first alchopop. It made T&W feel a bit uncomfortable watching her do the Lindyhop to the Black Eyed Peas "I've got a feeling". It got worse when she sidled up to Ryan's dad and slurred at him that she could get him a good deal on PTA subscriptions with a wink! Mr Fit looked scared! He looked to Nude Trude for help but she was doing a Beyonce impression in front of Reverend Brookes the school chaplain. Rev. Brookes got into the spirit, slapping her on her backside and shouting "Go on girl, show us your bootie!"