Pretensia does a job that involves arranging flowers in the lobbies of office blocks; it suits her with lots of faffing around and little to show for it. Clotheshorse of course is a womenswear buyer of exquisite taste; she once nearly killed a mum in the playground who dared to ask where her umbrella was from! Clotheshorse's umbrella and the Da Vinci code have a lot in common! One wrong question and you end up lying in a gutter with an umbrella tip in the neck. Princess Perfect Pants, an ex-headgirl/cheerleader is able to make you feel like a snivelling, inadequate wreck of a mother by merely a glance and so she is perfectly suited to her job as a health visitor.
T&W went through lots of trials and tribulations to get to her current job. Recently, whilst discussing with friend a TV programme involving actors dressing up as sperm then running along corridors, jumping over hedges and diving into alleyways (to simulate conception or just for fun?), T&W declared herself an Expert on Sperm (cue drumroll)! Not something to be proud of surely? You wouldn't want sperm on your passport, not in writing and not literally either. The reason for this declaration, was that when T&W was 18, she had a temp job in a pathology lab at a hospital. The job was to keep a straight face and tell men when they brought in their sperm samples (for testing) that they had to do it again because it wasn't in a sterile container! How mean was that?! Sometimes, the men would go red and shout "well you better bleep bleep come in with me to that bleep bleep room and do it for me you bleep bleep!". Then, T&W would have to call Security as felt not qualified for job, also on minimum wage and temp agency had def given impression of grocery samples and not bodily fluids!
T&W then had some jobs with male chauvinist pig bosses! One (a Brigadier at Kuwait embassy) would press a buzzer and shout "T&W come!" like T&W some kind of dog! Yes, T&W even interrogated about whether had Iraqi boyfriend but using torture technique of tea & cake not waterboarding. Still tough! T&W broke at the coffee & walnut gateau - " I'll tell you anything you want to hear, just give me the goddamn cake!". One boss told T&W not to worry her little head about things she didn't understand. T&W eventually shouted expletives at boss and walked out to standing ovation. Very impressive for 5 minutes! Then T&W realised had no job and no money!
So career advice to children will be this: there are jobs that careers advisors at schools don't tell you about like sperm experts and odour assessors (who smell cheesy trainers to assess trainer's effectiveness). Choose carefully! But remember, during your 20's you have to do some crap jobs and put up with difficult people. Then one day, you wake up, you're 30 and you're the Managing Director of Marks and Spencers. Yes, it really is that simple!
