Walking into a department store is like stepping into a David Cameron documentary - lots of Tamaras and Tamsins, hello Sirs and goodbye Madams. You walk through Menswear and it's like the set of Glee with everyone skipping, waving and doing air kisses. Then as you go though the makeup/perfume dept. you almost choke on the cloying smell of Beyonce/Kylie and Kate by Kate Middleton (classy scent smelling of plums). And is it compulsory for the make-up assistants to wear every makeup product on their face; can I have a purple eye-shadow please? Point to it on my face. Can I have an orange foundation that looks caked on and like a Caribbean sunset? Point to it on my face.
T&W meant to be choosing a christening present. But oh no, saw the beautiful dresses and that was it, like a kid on a sugar high in a toyshop, ended up in major dress trying on frenzy barely coming up for air. Not even looking at price tags, told self didn’t matter if spent all money, would wander streets with family, destitute and homeless ..... but always stylish! T&W had to give self good talking to and detention. This is no way to get a B grade in Domestic Goddesshood! Must try harder and pull socks up.
T&W noticed that the changing room assistants are all glamorous skinny French women. And all bitching to each other ....
“Yes, you know zat woman, ze one with the big arms ..... and ze funny eyes ...”
“I know ze one, she was just ‘ere, with ze big legs and ze curly frizzy hair, eugh I hate zat woman.”
“Well, she tried ze dress, ze pink one and it looked euck ... how you say ... Merde.”
“Degutante! Eugh. She look like like a beeg watermelon ... “
“Off course, I told her she looked a ..mazeeng but had to laugh into my handkerchief.”
T&W didn't buy anything to wear so will have to go to Christening in old potato sack. Clotheshorse would be disgusted!
Thursday 31 March 2011
Tuesday 22 March 2011
T&W cooks like Nigella!
Today T&W had the urge to be like Princess Perfect Pants and Domestic Goddess rolled into one! Yes, T&W gone strange like 1950’s poster of housewife in apron with red lipstick and strange expression of a Stepford wife. First will make an amazing dinner a la Nigella. Open recipe book and follow instructions:
1. Run upstairs and put on tight, revealing dress, preferably low-cut.
2. Put on 4 inch high stilettos.
3. Put on red lipstick.
4. Brush hair.
5. Slide down bannister and get ready to cook!
6. Chop onions & garlic.
7. Close-up to camera. Discuss with deep, slow voice how everything’s getting hot .. & sizzling.
8. Appear flustered and have to open window.
9. Wave to builders and tell them “making Full-frontal guacamole in a few minutes if they want some”.
10. Put chopped chillies in pan. Close-up to camera, say things are getting really, really hot!
11. Put in mince and whilst it’s cooking, open bottle of wine, pouting suggestively.
12. Pour wine into glass and sip it girlishly, tossing hair around at same time.
13. As it cooks, lay along top of kitchen work-top and dip finger into bowl of cream to taste it.
14. Not in recipe, but is essential part of Nigella’s cooking procedure.
15. Bend over to get something out of oven even though not using oven – ditto above.
16. Close-up to camera, say it’s coming along nicely so time to cook pasta. Talk about how it’s important to have al dente pasta by smiling and emphasising the word “firm”.
17. Boil water and put pasta into pan.
18. Lay table for self and the three builders who are staring through the window.
19. Start to chop the avocados. Close-up to camera, explain you call it Full Frontal as it's in your face, taste wise. Add garlic and lemon juice and put in blender, not forgetting to taste it in a provocative way once its ready.
20. Let builders sit down and get them beers. Do not seem at all fazed that you have 3 strangers in overalls sitting in your house.
21. Serve up the food into warm bowls whilst making suggestive comments about who’s got the biggest and that you hope the pasta’s firm.
22. Enjoy the meal, laughing wildly with your new friends about grouting, dovetail joints and spirit levels.
23. Have more wine and be seen staggering around in kitchen, pretending to know where the dishwasher is.
Tomorrow, T&W does housework like Kim & Aggie, How Clean is your House? Maybe not..
1. Run upstairs and put on tight, revealing dress, preferably low-cut.
2. Put on 4 inch high stilettos.
3. Put on red lipstick.
4. Brush hair.
5. Slide down bannister and get ready to cook!
6. Chop onions & garlic.
7. Close-up to camera. Discuss with deep, slow voice how everything’s getting hot .. & sizzling.
8. Appear flustered and have to open window.
9. Wave to builders and tell them “making Full-frontal guacamole in a few minutes if they want some”.
10. Put chopped chillies in pan. Close-up to camera, say things are getting really, really hot!
11. Put in mince and whilst it’s cooking, open bottle of wine, pouting suggestively.
12. Pour wine into glass and sip it girlishly, tossing hair around at same time.
13. As it cooks, lay along top of kitchen work-top and dip finger into bowl of cream to taste it.
14. Not in recipe, but is essential part of Nigella’s cooking procedure.
15. Bend over to get something out of oven even though not using oven – ditto above.
16. Close-up to camera, say it’s coming along nicely so time to cook pasta. Talk about how it’s important to have al dente pasta by smiling and emphasising the word “firm”.
17. Boil water and put pasta into pan.
18. Lay table for self and the three builders who are staring through the window.
19. Start to chop the avocados. Close-up to camera, explain you call it Full Frontal as it's in your face, taste wise. Add garlic and lemon juice and put in blender, not forgetting to taste it in a provocative way once its ready.
20. Let builders sit down and get them beers. Do not seem at all fazed that you have 3 strangers in overalls sitting in your house.
21. Serve up the food into warm bowls whilst making suggestive comments about who’s got the biggest and that you hope the pasta’s firm.
22. Enjoy the meal, laughing wildly with your new friends about grouting, dovetail joints and spirit levels.
23. Have more wine and be seen staggering around in kitchen, pretending to know where the dishwasher is.
Tomorrow, T&W does housework like Kim & Aggie, How Clean is your House? Maybe not..
Wednesday 9 March 2011
T&W's idea for new brand - Roadsign Bras!
T&W has gone all Charlie Sheen (not with drugs & prostitutes) but by having delusions of importance! Has had truly brilliant idea and invented Roadsign Bras! Yes, should marry Charlie Sheen and live in crazy, deluded omnipotence like Colonel Gaddafi! Bras with roadsigns on them ... which one are you?
Typical signs in the range include:
Danger! Boulders Ahead!
B cups Ahead!
D cup Ahead with implant!
Danger! Pancakes!
Scene of Natural Beauty!
Hot Stuff!
1st Date or long-term relationship!
Like it says on the tin ...
Non-priority area!
No honking!
Watch out Bill Gates & Steve Jobs, you're not the only ones with world-changing, revolutionary ideas .....
Typical signs in the range include:
Danger! Boulders Ahead!
B cups Ahead!
D cup Ahead with implant!
Danger! Pancakes!
Scene of Natural Beauty!
Hot Stuff!
1st Date or long-term relationship!
Like it says on the tin ...
Non-priority area!
No honking!
Watch out Bill Gates & Steve Jobs, you're not the only ones with world-changing, revolutionary ideas .....
Thursday 3 March 2011
Nude Trude
Thought I would introduce Nude Trude, an ex-porn star mum. T&W knows this because a)she has a perma-tan b)she wears miniscule bits of clothing to cover her perfectly formed body and c)she carries a chihuahua. Oh, and because she told T&W!
Nude Trude always provides visual entertainment for the dads & grandads at dull PTA events involving quizzes/auctions/fairy cakes and craft stalls where you have to buy plastic bracelets or a bar of soap wrapped in a flannel. Usually dressed in minimal white lycra with some kind of lace effect, she totters around on her 4 inch heels leaving Pretensia looking like she's sucking on lemons! Ha, brilliant thinks T&W! Pretensia & Clotheshorse will have spent hours preparing for each occasion and Nude Trude will have got dressed, shoved some make-up on with a trowel and been out the door in 10 minutes!
T&W imagines headmistress, Virginia introducing potential parents to the school, green eyes blazing, black hair flowing in the wind, "yes, we have a wonderful PTA! One parent is a marine biologist, just look at this beautiful & expensive watercolour of the sea he's donated and one parent is a thoracic surgeon, see this spectacular life-size skeleton given so kindly from his own funds. Yes and Nude Trude, one of our PTA mums holds a very popular pay per view film club for the dads on a saturday evening!"
Everyone loves Nude Trude, although you could see Gifted's face distort when Trude said she had a fondness for animals. Probably just an innocent comment, meaning nothing but Gossiphead had it round the school gates before you could say Animal Farm Meets Air Hostess, the sequel!
Nude Trude always provides visual entertainment for the dads & grandads at dull PTA events involving quizzes/auctions/fairy cakes and craft stalls where you have to buy plastic bracelets or a bar of soap wrapped in a flannel. Usually dressed in minimal white lycra with some kind of lace effect, she totters around on her 4 inch heels leaving Pretensia looking like she's sucking on lemons! Ha, brilliant thinks T&W! Pretensia & Clotheshorse will have spent hours preparing for each occasion and Nude Trude will have got dressed, shoved some make-up on with a trowel and been out the door in 10 minutes!
T&W imagines headmistress, Virginia introducing potential parents to the school, green eyes blazing, black hair flowing in the wind, "yes, we have a wonderful PTA! One parent is a marine biologist, just look at this beautiful & expensive watercolour of the sea he's donated and one parent is a thoracic surgeon, see this spectacular life-size skeleton given so kindly from his own funds. Yes and Nude Trude, one of our PTA mums holds a very popular pay per view film club for the dads on a saturday evening!"
Everyone loves Nude Trude, although you could see Gifted's face distort when Trude said she had a fondness for animals. Probably just an innocent comment, meaning nothing but Gossiphead had it round the school gates before you could say Animal Farm Meets Air Hostess, the sequel!
Sunday 27 February 2011
Non-domestic goddess
If T&W hears Pretensia/ Clotheshorse/ Fitness Freak going on once more about how they've found the perfect marble kitchen worktop that coordinates with their husband's tartan slippers/ threadveins on their inner thigh/ bottom of the cat litter tray, she will scream!
T&W def not a domestic goddess although sometimes tries. Googled "raspberry blinds with beads" in hope of finding simple blinds for kitchen with ornate beads aka Monsoon/Indian style and entered parallel universe of sex perversion! Search engine offered (optimistically) "vibrator - raspberry pink", "catsuit with zipper", "catsuit with lace front" - T&W wondering about controversial decision of "catsuit with both zipper and lace front" when spotted next option "nipple clamps with chain". After much thought, T&W decided that a kitchen blind consisting of pink vibrators and a selection of nipple clamps with chain would not be suitable. Although an interesting dinner party topic, would let too much light in and allow a window of opportunity to nosey neighbours in eyesore new-build next door! Ps. Please share with unenlightened T&W when you're meant to wear catsuit. Surely only for Batman/Robin themed parties? Must make mental note to ask Nude Trude.
T&W def not a domestic goddess although sometimes tries. Googled "raspberry blinds with beads" in hope of finding simple blinds for kitchen with ornate beads aka Monsoon/Indian style and entered parallel universe of sex perversion! Search engine offered (optimistically) "vibrator - raspberry pink", "catsuit with zipper", "catsuit with lace front" - T&W wondering about controversial decision of "catsuit with both zipper and lace front" when spotted next option "nipple clamps with chain". After much thought, T&W decided that a kitchen blind consisting of pink vibrators and a selection of nipple clamps with chain would not be suitable. Although an interesting dinner party topic, would let too much light in and allow a window of opportunity to nosey neighbours in eyesore new-build next door! Ps. Please share with unenlightened T&W when you're meant to wear catsuit. Surely only for Batman/Robin themed parties? Must make mental note to ask Nude Trude.
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