An Abstract Mums' Night Out

All agreed the recent mums' night out had been a success. Alchy and Muffin Top had provided great entertainment by being sick in the wine cooler and wearing a crop top respectively. It was better than the formal entertainment of the night; a George Michael lookalike who looked like himself, Gary from Chelmsford. "Tonight Ladies and Gents, we have Gary from Chelmsford, looking like himself and doing some karaoke!". The trouble with these kinds of nights thought T&W is that you often end up sitting next to someone you don't know and then you realise there's only so much about someone's in-grown toenail you can stomach whilst eating Lamb Kleftika! Still, somethings never change. Pretensia spoke about herself the whole evening, only pausing for breath to rearrange the false pads in her bra. Nude Trude was looking particularly stunning in a dress that was backless and semi-frontless especially when she was dancing to Club Tropicana, where the drinks might be free but so was the sight of her surgically enhanced torpedo breasts.

"Look at the tattoos on her!" mouthed Rude-Rag. She was pointing unsubtly to a 20 stone woman wrapping herself around the leg of Gary from Chelmsford aka George Michael. As Gary sang "I want your sex" to the 20 stone blubber mountain, T&W decided to skip dessert. Gary was then in the mood for "Careless Whisper" and a nerdy 50 year old man (one of only 5 in the building) began to writhe around with Blubber Mountain making T&W wonder if this is what George Michael had envisaged when he wrote this song.

Gary from Chelmsford really seemed to want Blubber Mountain as he proceeded to sing "Fast Love" to her, gesticulating wildly with his hips in a way that made it clear he wasn't talking about true love on an inter-city express. At one point, he seemed to completely lose his head in her cleavage looking like some weird Salvador Dali sculpture. T&W decided she'd had too much wine.

Work those Abs!

Princess Perfect Pants and Fitness Freak are very rarely seen without their aerobics kit, tennis raquet or bike (and often all three), even when doing the shopping at Sainsburys or having their legs waxed. T&W has sneaking suspicion they just pose at the school gates looking all virtuous then rush home, slump on the settee and watch Jeremy Kyle whilst stuffing chocolates!

T&W noticed there's a concerted effort to get mums to hire a personal trainer a la desperate housewives; there is even a "fitness show" for all to see in park whilst on the school run to encourage slouch potatoes to get off their lardy backsides and work those abs! T&W has also been targeted - bit of an insult! Someone has spotted her and thought "Oy,oy, got a right one here. Looks like a cross between Waynetta Slob and the Michelin man does this one!" T&W not likely to be much of an advert though. "Yes, you too could have twiglet legs and sticking out ribs if you did this kind of workout!". Blame it on the genes, T&W always does ... blame it on parents, Plink and Plonk.

But T&W becoming like Fitness Freak as has been to Zumba! Yes, Latin American fitness phenomenon! T&W enjoyed this a lot but would have been better with Tequila slammers and Nachos just to get into South American spirit. Lots of Whooping encouraged!!? Whoop! Whoop! Bit strange to be honest. But on a wintry Tuesday night, standing in a cold room in a sportsclub that smells of stale beer, doing Zumba ..... would you really, hand on heart spontaneously whoop? Surely there are other things more likely to make you whoop and some even involve lying down! Fitness Freak probably would spontaneously whoop at a zumba class but then again she'd probably fall off her bicycle ...

Intimate Talk at the Cold Meat counter

If someone comes up to you and tells you they've just had a Brazilian and it's made their hair shiny, do not look at them with disgusted face and think "who is this maniac I just met yesterday at Zumba class who's now telling me intimate details I don't want to know at the cold meat counter at Sainsburys." Take a deep breath. You may want to put those lamb chops back because you've gone right off them to be honest but don't be alarmed! Look at their head and notice hair is shiny because she (and it invariably is a she as men for some reason not embracing having shiny, straight hair) will be talking about the new Keratin Brazilian hair treatment that straightens hair and is all the rage at school with many mums, swishing shiny, straight hair around and looking like top supermodels. Yes, seriously. So pick up those lamb chops again safe in the knowledge that you haven't been verbally abused by a stranger.

T&W has never had Keratin treatment (ha, not big surprise to anyone who's seen T&W's hair recently sticking up like gone through a hedge backwards) but apparently Keratin has had formaldehyde taken out of formula so not quite as strong. T&W thought this quite funny; Damien Hirst must be gutted as was prob planning new art project "Primary school mum's head in formaldehyde!".

Nude Trude (ex porn star mum) would def use Keratin treatment although she's busy at the moment with new career of sports massage therapist, always boasting how she didn't have to re-train. Naturally, Clotheshorse is fan of Keratin as has sleek perfect hair framing tangerine orange face at all times. Her perfect hair never moves out of place even when tottering along on leopard skin stilettos behind large labrador on lead - ha, v. funny.

Being Boring - The Joy of Parenting

11 y o brought home a letter from the school to say she had to spend a day with one of her parents at their workplace.   11 y o says “ergh.  Why can’t you or dad work in interesting jobs?”  Pause.   Me “and an interesting job would be what?”  11 y o “well, blah blah’s mum is a beauty therapist so at least she can get her nails done.  “   Me “well, I’m so sorry my whole career choice wasn’t based on whether you can get your nails done whilst on work experience.”   11 y o “it’s okay, it’s not your fault”.   Me “Thanks.  And anyway, I’ve got a friend who’s a beauty therapist and it may be okay sometimes but other times it’s boring.   Although her waxing stories are often a good laugh”.

This got me thinking.   Not the waxing stories, the idea about work experience.    Imagine Angelina Jolie’s daughter going on work experience “yeah, well, it’s sooo boring ‘cos mum has to do this thing with Ryan Gosling and I like, have to wipe away the sweat from his forehead in between takes”.   Or Beyonce’s daughter “ergh, I had to go to this recording studio in a limo and I was like “are you serious, this is soooo boring” and then I had to talk to all these up and coming rappers and go to this Awards ceremony.   Tch.    Jemma’s mum’s like a hairdresser and stuff and she gets to have her hair done all day.  It’s sooo not fair.”.

Or Neil Armstrong’s daughter “yeah, well dad made me go to NASA and I was sooooo bored, cos I had to sit in a rocket and stuff and press buttons.    I was like, seriously, this is not happening ‘cos Stacey’s dad works at a funfair and they spent all day on the Wurlitzers. 

You can’t win.