Reports - Must Try Harder!

Pretensia remarked today, without a hint of a smile, that her son's a border-line genius. T&W a bit doubtful as he's always getting sent to Virginia, the headmistress; the last time for biting her ankles. T&W feels sorry for him as headmistress Virginia suffers from water retention; biting her ankles would be like chewing on giant cheesy marshmallows!

School reports were out this week; T&W skim-read them, discovered children were happy people with lots of friends and felt overwhelming joy they weren't psychopathic nutters! T&W pleased! Suddenly, T&W has morphed into perfect mother, like Princess Perfect Pants. So decided to lie on settee with glass of wine and eat crisps as reward. Then remembered maternal responsibilities - must read rest of report! Children can apparently walk, run, skip, cut with scissors and poke people in the eye. We send them to school to learn stuff like this?

T&W wondering when boffin gene (obviously on mother's side) will kick in; imagines children may be requested to be hothoused with Bill Gates as possible successors in Microsoft! Make mental note to learn about American culture particularly Mcdonalds and stealth bombers.

What would happen if mums had to have reports on their performance? MMmmm. "T&W could do well if she would stop laughing on phone with friends about manboobs and spend more time folding pants and putting them away in drawers. This could take her from a C+ to the dizzy heights of a B minus!".

Primary School Pyjama Party Gatecrashed!

Once again, a highlight of the prestigious PTA calendar had arrived; The Pyjama Party! The idea was that the children, wearing their pyjamas, would come back to the school in the evening for a mock bedtime, involving sleeping bags, bedtime stories, teddy bears and hot chocolate. All well and good but parents had recently been getting into the spirit too. T&W couldn't help feeling uncomfortable seeing Mr Fit prancing around in his Calvin Klein pyjamas that left little to the imagination. Unsurprisingly, Nude Trude's black negligee led to a few gasps followed by surpressed giggles when Virginia, the headmistress arrived wearing a Wee Willie Winkie nightcap and no hint of a smile! A few of the teachers were wearing the usual stripey pyjamas and bunny slippers getup; overall prize had to go to Mrs Cleghorn, the music teacher for her Babydoll nighty and 5 inch-heeled slip-ons with pink pom-poms. With legs like tree trunks, a thigh high mini-dress was a brave choice for someone estranged to fashion! Pretensia arrived late wearing a Prada dressing gown in fuchsia. She looked furtive, whispering suggestively to Mr Fit, throwing her hair back flirtatiously and laughing wildly at every merest hint of a joke. "I can't take this off" she purred, "I'm naked". Mr Fit lost control of his hands and spilt his hot chocolate down his Calvin Kleins. Quick as a flash, Nude Trude was the first to offer first aid and was down on her knees before Mr Fit could shout "help!". Pretensia left seething and was spotted later in the carpark, slumped over the steering wheel stuffing her face with marshmallows.