50 Shades of Cake

After much research, considering new potential bestseller, T&W presents 50 Shades of Cake ..... takes quick bow ...

Christian watched Anastasia intently: "Battenburg?"

Anastasia looked startled. "Damn you Christian", she thought. Yesterday, it had been Apple turnover and a quick Florentine topped off with a Pineapple upside down cake. The dizziness had been unsettling but this was raising the stakes.

"What are you thinking Anastasia?" Christian stared straight into her eyes.

"It's just everything's changed", she faltered. "Sharing a 'Paris-Brest' was .... unexpected".

"It was only a 'Paris-Brest'!" said Christian frustratedly.

"I know but we were in the bank Christian! The woman at the cash-till was gaping so much she trapped her fingers in the till".

Anastasia paused then continued, "the vanilla cheesecake was okay, I mean I'd have preferred to use a plate but at least your foot was clean."

"Vanilla cheesecake with strawberry topping Anastasia" he corrected her.

"Yes Christian, but it was vanilla! In essence, it was vanilla!"

He looked uncomfortable.

Anastasia liked it when he looked uncomfortable. She remembered the weekend before; how could she forget, the banana tarte tatin, the spiced apple muffin cake with (she took a deep breath) pecan streusel topping.

And it had all started so innocently. She could remember clearly that first meeting when he'd asked her if she'd wanted some "low-fat moist carrot cake". Yes, it was something about the way he'd said that word .... slow, drawn out ... that word, carrot.

She held her ground. "I've altered the contract Christian" she pushed the papers towards him. "I refuse to eat two cakes at one time ...ever, and I've deleted the bit about a "3 layer wafer with Ken from next door". I've put a line through the bit about the chocolate eclair/ miniature flapjack combo and no, I don't want to be pelted by cookie dough from a great height. Finally, I refuse to have a lemon meringue pie thrown in my face on a regular basis."

Christian paced the floor. "Ok Anastasia. You drive a hard bargain. Liquour Mille-Feuilles?"

Anastasia, "You disgust me Christian!"

Christian looked confused. "Grand Marnier Mille-Feuilles, I thought you loved them?"

Anastasia "Er, yes .. I do." Anastasia chastised herself.

He softened. "Have you recovered from the jam roly-poly?"
"Yes" Anastasia smiled "I can barely feel the pin they had to put in my dislocated hip".

END OF CHAPTER

An English Sniper in the Car Park

Virginia, the headmistress was getting twitchy.    You could tell by the way she clenched her fists until the knuckles went white and then opened them again.   She'd been here before and she didn't want to go back to the days of Fishfinger-gate.   Her relaxation tapes were helping her to see that a burnt fishfinger, wasn't a good enough reason to chop off Mrs Mildew's pigtail.    A lesson had been learnt.   Deep breathing and positive affirmations.    But still, these pesky parents pushed her to the limit.

She'd told them off time and time again about driving to school.   The warning siren that shouted "You are surrounded, return to your vehicle with your hands up!" had failed and a complimentary Snickers bar to every parent who snitched on a friend was too expensive. The lengths parents'll go to just for a chocolate bar! Even tipping the compost bin on Mr Delaney's mini metro hadn't helped. Still they came. Something had to be done

Fortunately, she'd had the chance to watch American Sniper at the cinema.   She'd learnt the lessons - hold the gun still, point it away from yourself, deep breathing, lie low.    Hiding behind the bins, half slumped on some PE equipment, she waited,    When she spotted the target, she fired.

BANG!  She took out Mrs Tiller, who was getting out of her Ford Capri.   That'll teach her for being 8 months pregnant.  Man up woman.   Got her!   Mrs Tiller falls to the floor.

BANG!  There goes Mr Leyland, limping around with his bunion - got him.   Mr Leyland falls.

BANG!   There goes Ms Osman and her faulty alarm clock.  Ha ha!  I'm enjoying this.

BANG! BANG! BANG!
Before Virginia knew it, there were 10 down and the morning bell hadn't gone.    She wanted to keep on going but she was wrestled to the ground by the Deputy,   "Stop it Virginia, stop it!   Go and listen to your tapes!"

"It's only a paintball gun, Jenny" moaned Virginia.   "I was just letting off steam,  The parents drive me crazy!".

10 minutes later, Virginia is lying on a bed listening to her relaxation tapes and repeating out loud:
"Parents are nice people.   They are my friends.    I like parents and they make me happy."

:)



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Boulogne school trip

Talk at Little Ditchling JMI is all about the impending school trip to Boulogne. Virginia, the headmistress declared pompously "this is a wonderful chance for our 10 year olds to learn about France and it's magnificent culture!"; but we all know it's a chance for the teachers to go on a booze-fest and for Mr Timpson to practise his pencil control on Miss Radcliffe. No, it's not gone unnoticed that he looks like he's about to spontaneously combust when he's in her presence!

Poor Mr Timpson, a 40 year old non-descript seems to latch onto pert 30 something teachers who go weak at the sight of a man who looks like a chipmunk. To be fair, the rumours last year were never substantiated. Mr Timpson and Mrs Alcock, the larger than life Year 2 teacher had apparently been found together in the ladies' toilet on the ferry (outbound journey) by a traumatised Virginia. A red-faced Mr Timpson's argument that he'd been looking for his watch wasn't believable, particularly when the entire Year 5 class pointed out it was still on his arm.

T&W uncomfortable about similar debacle this year and the thought of Mr Timpson gallavanting around a la Titanic (picture Mr Timpson sketching naked Ms Radcliffe in private ferry cabin then accompanying her for a dinner consisting of a plastic ham sandwich in buffet bar; evening ending with her at front of ferry arms outstretched, hair blowing in wind with Mr Timpson standing behind, chipmunk-like to the strains of My Heart will go on!)

But what about the children? They could've gone overboard in the meantime!!!!

At the time of the now infamous Ferry Toilet Incident, headmistress Virginia did what she always does when her teachers go bonkers. She called an Emergency Parents' Meeting! Standing aloof, with her clipboard, she smiled at parents sympathetically and told us that "sometimes stress makes us do unfortunate things, we've all been there". T&W, like all other parents left thinking "No, we have not all been there; we have not all had Mr Timpson whispering phonics vowels in our ear in the Ladies' toilet on the outbound ferry from Calais to Boulogne!".